Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Day 16: Letter To Someone That's Not In Your State/Country


We haven't spoken much, but I really look up to you. You are everything I have ever wanted to be. You are in charge of your own life as much as anyone can be. Even your hair obeys your every command. In fact, even MY hair obeys your commands.

You are funny and outgoing. You get along with everyone I have seen you come into contact with. I am always nervous when you come down because I don't want to screw anything up and I feel the need to impress you, but as soon as I start talking to you, I immediately relax. You have that effect on people, whether you know it or not. You make people feel at ease and important. I think that's one of the many reasons you will be/are a good foster mom. You and Tim are such great people and one of the most inspiring couples I've ever met. You compliment each other so well and I really look up to you.

Christian is very lucky to have you and I know that you will change his life, even if he doesn't remember your time with him specifically. God is using your open hearts to change people and you have opened your home to a stranger's child. I hope God uses him to change you as much as you change him.

I wish we could talk more, because I really do like you and Tim a lot. I enjoyed working with you before the wedding and I just love when you come down. You are the most sunshiny person I know.


Monday, August 30, 2010

Day 15: Letter to the Person You Miss The Most


I miss you. Come back home. It kills me that you're gone.

When people say your name or ask where you are, it kills me a little.


Day 14: Letter to Someone You Drifted Away From


I actually only just remembered that we were close friends during summer school. You actually helped me through a really rough time in my life, but I don't think you know that. Because I never said it, I really want to take this time to thank you.

At the beginning of summer school, I knew I was in trouble. I didn't have any friends and I'm shy as it is. I don't remember the details of the first days, but I know that Megan wasn't talking to me and she wasn't in my class and I was scared to be alone for the next however many weeks.

I don't know who approached who and I don't remember how it started, but I do remember that I was very thankful for--and a little intimidated by--you. You listened with an impartial ear to whatever problems I had that day and you never seemed too annoyed. You introduced me to new music (including my favorite from that time on, Les Miserables the musical) and new ideas. Best of all, you opened up to me, too, and didn't make me feel like a huge dork like I usually do. For that I am the most grateful.

I am actually pretty sad that we don't talk anymore. We talked a bit in the times following that summer and were sort of on the threshold of being close a few times, but we never really caved and became good friends. I want you to be aware that if you need anything at all, even if it's random, I am still here and I will do my best to cave this time. 

I actually really look up to you. You carry yourself as a confident, intelligent, fashionable young woman who has her shit together. I envy those things in you. You always look great and you are one of the smartest people I know. I just think you're neat.

Make right choices. You have every single tool you could possibly have to help you succeed.


Day 13: Letter to Someone You Wish You Could Forgive

To My Cousin:

I suppose this letter should go to someone else, because I actually have forgiven you. But I am writing this to you because I will never forget and what you did changed our relationship forever. I am sad that we can't be friends anymore, but I do wish you the best.

I hope everything works out with you where you are. I hope the baby changes you and makes you want to be a better, more responsible person. I hope you take care of her and nurture her and protect her. Be good to her because you are there with her for a reason.

I wish things had played out differently. If I had just slept in the other room...If only I had been stronger...If only you had listened...

Oh well. It doesn't matter now. Things played out the way they did and I just hope that it was meant to be that way because it changed us for the better.

Good luck and smooth sailing.

Day 12: Letter to The Person You Hate The Most

Warning: This may get ugly.

Dear Dickhead.
Get out. I do not want you near her. I do not want to hear your name spoken ever again. I do not like you. I do not tolerate you. You are the scum of the earth. You will not survive where you are. I actually hope you succeed and are taken away forever to some distant place, far away from her. Get your slithering appendages away or I will remove that burden from your body. Do not touch her. Do not talk to her. Do not say her name and ESPECIALLY do not call her pet names. You make me sick. When I think about you, I am immediately filled with such a rage as I have never felt before.

I wish you didn't have such control over me, and that is something I'm working on. In the Bible, it mentions that if you hate someone, it's the same as killing them. Well, in your case, right now I feel like it's worth it. Just saying. You are the worst of the worst and I will never like you. I will eventually forgive you, but that would involve you going away and stop doing what it is I need to forgive you for. You are an evil son of a bitch and your parents clearly did a horrible job with you and your dick brother. What she sees in you I will never know.

I know in my heart that you are a liar and a cheat. You come in to our lives and rape, steal, and pillage anything that you can. If I had my way, you wouldn't even be able to write or send letters. In fact, you probably wouldn't have hands if I had it my way. I don't want you touching her like you touched all those others. You are filthy and I spit on you.


Friday, August 27, 2010

Day 11: Letter To A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To


How strange to talk directly to you after years of avoiding it. How I regret that. I realize now that you are a lot like my dad, or rather, that my dad is a lot like you. Very technical, mechanical, and detailed, both of you are extremely prone to have long, long conversations. But that's ok. I'm learning to understand you better through your son. I'll bet you're proud of him.

I wonder sometimes if you have regrets about your life. I wonder how often you thought of that time of just hardly being--that time no one really talks about. I wonder how you found Jesus and how you and Yaya lived together. I cry thinking about her and her loss of you, you know. She misses you. We all do.

What makes me sick about myself is that I never really noticed you. You were always, always there. You were there with a smile and a hug and stories to tell, but I never understood that you actually loved us. You were mechanical beyond my understanding and I could never follow all the details of your stories, but you put them in there because you wanted me to understand. Come to think of it, I can't really remember a story that you told me. I am so guilty of ignoring you. I can never begin to describe how sorry I am for that.

When they read that story you and a friend wrote, that hilarious story that I need to read again to remember it, I was shocked. You were so funny, Grampa! I never knew. I didn't even know you, but I saw you enough that I should have. I should have gotten to know you because you were such an awesome person. Now I never will, but I still have my dad. My dad loved you and so did your daughters. They still do. And they miss you. I look for you at parties still. I want you to step out of that little silver car with Yaya, you from the driver's seat because she hates to drive, and smile that quiet smile that said so much when you said so little.

That's something that intrigues me--your affinity for telling a story so long-winded no one ever saw the end in sight, but you were so quiet. You were shy and humble, like a little mouse, but if you were interested in something, you would always want to know every single detail about it. You always asked me questions about school and what I was doing, but I never took the time to answer like I should have. I am sorry. I really do wish we could have known each other.

You were creative, a handy carpenter, a quietly loving father and grandfather, and a very caring husband. I really wish I had known that before it was too late. It's my fault and I know it, but I also know that I can read this letter to you someday, and we can discuss whatever we want. Can't wait to see you again, Grampa.

Until then,
Your Granddaughter

Day 10: Letter to Someone You Don't Talk To As Much As You'd Like

Yes, this is taking more than 30 days. Bite me. :) I'm a busy girl.


You were my very best friend for probably two years. You have built me up when I was in ruins, you have given me courage and strength when I had none, and you literally made me laugh every day. How can I ever thank you for pulling my butt out of the mucky quicksand I got myself into?

Remember Mrs. Beard's class? Remember how you sat in front of me and touched my hairy legs? (Gross) I miss that. I miss your crooked directions and your explosive laugh. I don't know why it's so hard to just pick up the phone and call or text. I guess I'm nervous. It's silly, but I am. Sometimes, I feel like you put a lot of stock in me. You joined theatre because I convinced you to and you trusted me. You trusted a lot of my decisions. What if I didn't turn out like you expected?

I don't know why I am so worried about it, but I am. It's like my life is one of your stories. You are really really reluctant to have someone actually take a look at it. Especially that ONE PERSON. You, for me, are that one person.

I hope you are well. I hope we can hang out soon. I hope you are doing better in college than I am.
I hope you'd still be my friend. I hope you are happy. I hope you will be successful in life.


Thursday, August 19, 2010

Day 9: Letter to Someone You Wish You Could Meet

Dear Vivien Leigh,

You are the absolute most beautiful woman on this planet. I watch you in Gone With The Wind and just can't even believe you're real. I want to watch all of your movies just to watch you walk around and talk. You just have this amazing power. It isn't overwhelming or obnoxious, it's just there in an almost visceral way. To watch you in the power struggle with Rhett Butler in the scene where he's drunk and you are in the red robe--it just gives me the chills every time. You have a backbone and I love it.

I don't know why, but you have just made such a huge impact on me. Maybe it's your surreal beauty or your stunning power, but mostly it's because I love your tenacity and willingness to work hard. I haven't seen you in anything but Gone With The Wind and yet you are my favorite actress. I would love to just sit down and talk to you. Even just to listen quietly to a conversation you are having with someone else would be wonderful to me. :)

I want to hear you tell your life story. I want to ask you about Sir Laurence Olivier and find out what you choose to tell me about, what's important to you. I want to ask about your previous husband and children and how you feel about your manic depression. I just want to know you.


Day 8: Letter to Your Favorite Internet Friend


I know it's weird to think of you as an "internet friend" because we've never actually spoken and I'm not sure you even know I exist, which is cool. :) The internet is a big place, but I don't care. I read your blog every time you write a new one.

Congratulations on your wedding. :) I love hearing about your interactions with Rick and I would love to hear about how your wedding went. Maybe I missed that blog (or something), but I feel like I'm in the dark. However, I do understand that your blog doesn't revolve around me. (haha)

I stumbled across you the day after you earned Blog of Note (quite deservedly, I must say) and I have been addicted to it ever since. You have such a great writing style, witty and sarcastic, but precise and clear. I find myself laughing out loud to your descriptions of TV shows I've never heard of and situations I have never been in. Basically, I live vicariously through you.

I'll bet you are a great teacher. I'll bet your husband is a lucky man (who laughs a lot). I'll bet you make a lot of great movie commentaries.

I don't know why I picture you so vividly, but you really have changed the way I view things. I tend to see the humor in things that would normally annoy me or make me lose all faith in humanity (The Bachelorette? Really?) As silly as it sounds, your blog makes me enjoy life a little more and for that I want to thank you. This is probably creepy, but I don't care that much. :) I think you're neat.


Day 7: Letter to Your Ex


Hey. Missed you tonight in the band. I hate when you don't come because you make things easier on me, reading my musical mind and everything. Wish you could come more often/find a mind-reading replacement.

Anyway, I'm really glad we have actually been able to remain friends. Not just awkward "Hello Friends" or fake friends who actually just want each other's bod or hate each other, but actual friends. When you needed advice, you called me. When I needed a friend at Cal Poly, I called you. Was it weird spending the days with you? Nope. Did Bryan care even a little? Nope.

I think the reason we are friends is because that's basically what we were. Yes, we did dumb things, too, that we shouldn't have done, but we weren't a good couple that way. We also didn't understand each other in a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way and I see that now. Your sense of humor doesn't match my own and I'm too much of a fuddy duddy for you. That's fine. I'm honestly glad it didn't work out because we are much better as friends, truly. I love you, but I am not in love with you. Basically, I love you like I love Kevin or something like that and that's all it has ever been.

However, I think we were good for each other for that specific time. You helped me gather my self-esteem as much as I possibly could and I hope I helped you with something, too. I'm not sure because we haven't discussed it, but I really hope you didn't get left with nothing. You taught me a lot about myself, which is silly and self-absorbed, but true. I hope I taught you something as well. 

I am sad, though, that you aren't more mature. People can't depend on you because you are always late and you aren't that good of a problem solver/critical thinker. That is so weird to me because you are so freakin' ridiculously smart. I'll bet you could cure cancer, but you'd never be able to share the cure because you'd always be too late to the conference to tell people. Too bad.

I have considered asking you to stop playing with the band because you only play about half the time. However, I know you enjoy it and I know your heart is in the right place when you do play. It isn't for attention, though sometimes you take a Jurassic Park or La Bamba break during practice.

I think, though, that you would do well to seek God more diligently. Don't get caught up in the world like I have always feared you would. You're a good guy, but I'm not sure you have a place in a lot of social circles and that has always made me worry that you'd seek acceptance in the wrong places. Don't get swept up in things that will hurt you.

This letter is all over the place, but you know what? So is our strange relationship. See you at church. We have baby worship on Sunday.


Monday, August 16, 2010

Day 6: Letter To A Stranger

Dear Stranger,

We haven't met yet. I hope you don't think I'm crazy or weird. It's not like I really care that much, but chances are we will never talk to each other. I'm pretty shy. If I am with someone like Amanda or Bryan, I might talk to you, but the chances aren't that good. About a year ago I would have been all over that, shaking your hand and hugging you or whatever. I see you everywhere, Stranger. You are at the mall, at the beach, in some of my dreams. Sometimes you are in the mirror. It really depends on the day. But you know what? I don't mind you.


Sunday, August 15, 2010

Day 5: Letter to Your Dreams

Dear Dreams,

You are extremely bipolar. You either scare the crap out of me or make me cry of awesomeness. Sometimes I wish you'd come true, but other times you already are.

I don't know what else to say.


Saturday, August 14, 2010

Day 4: Letter to Your Sibling

I can't even believe you're 14. You are such an incredible kid. You get along with everyone, like Mikey does. Sometimes it scares me because I worry you'll start hanging out with bad kids, and so far that hasn't happened (as far as I know, at least).

You always play with me, even though I am not always that fun. You play Spore with me, and you wrestle, and whatever else we decide to do (prank call each other, keep each other in a room) you always make it fun. Even if it's just going to In N Out.

I really like that you like Bryan. You sort of remind me of him in little ways--the good ways. You get along with everyone, you are good at making people laugh and making everyone feel welcome. Watching you play with him is so freakin' adorable. You guys crack me up. :)

The other freakin' insane thing is that you're going to high school. WHAT THE HECK. You are still that little toehead with a bowl cut, running around playing Cowboy by himself. I am glad you have friends, but you've never needed them. You have always been good at entertaining yourself. High school will probably be relatively easy for you, as long as you don't get lazy. I hope you find a place you fit in like I did. It doesn't have to be theatre, as many times as I have told you that it does. As long as you are happy, it's all good. Just don't be a bad kid. Then I'll be sad.

Don't stop playing. Really. That is a huge part of who you are.


Friday, August 13, 2010

Day 3: Letter To Your Parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

First of all, thank you for everything you've done. You conceived/birthed me, you raised me, and you have been financially responsible for me for the past 18 years. I really do appreciate all of that. I have never been without something I needed and I probably never will be, God willing. You have been understanding when I couldn't get a job, supportive when I got kicked out of Cal Poly, and comforting the few times I have let you know I was upset.

I am sorry for keeping you out. I rarely let you into my emotions or problems. I am sorry for lying to you sometimes and I'm sorry for still living at home, even though at this point I should be more prepared to move out.

I know we haven't been super close since I started Kindergarten. I have found most of my parenting elsewhere because sometimes I did feel you were too harsh. I do appreciate you trying to keep me from boys until I was 16, because if I had done that, my life would have been a billion times easier. My life is full of those--if I had listened--so thank you for all your good advice.

I feel a lot better about you guys than I have in the past. For a long time, I dreamed of leaving; running away in the dead of night, turning off my phone and never looking back. I am glad I didn't.

I'm not sure what else to say. I've never been good at expressing myself to you, and apparently it doesn't start this letter.

I love you, even though I rarely say it. I do.


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Day Two: Your Crush

I have a feeling that I'll be writing a lot of different letters to the same people, but I'm ok with that.

I am not sure about writing this letter to you, because you are so much more than a crush. You are my Bryan, the love of my life, literally. I am excited to spend the rest of my life with you.

I was thinking today about when you were shorter than me. It was a LOOOOONG time ago. :) I don't remember much about you except your little bright boy face. You were always running around with the big kids so I never really hung out with you until junior high, and even then you didn't like me because I was retarded. I truly don't blame you.

Then in high school, we really started to click. I was always very nervous to be around you because I didn't want to be that tag along I had always been with Seth and Sam. You never made me feel like that, though. You made me laugh and you made me important, much like you do now.

Our relationship sounds like it would be really weird, what with the fact that I dated all your friends ( :/ ), but it isn't, thankfully. I love that you aren't a jealous person and that you accept every single part of me, good, bad, or ugly, and you always make me feel good, like every quality of mine, good or bad, makes me a beautiful person. You are patient and kind, loving and romantic. You know how to treat not only other girls, but also me individually; you are a gentleman and you make your mama proud. I love that. You are incredibly, unbelievably smart and you can fix anything. Whenever I have a problem with something not working how it should or a part missing or something (with projects or people or emotions, even), you are always the first person I turn to because I know you'll find a way to make it work. You helped fix me when I was broken and you have lovingly held me together at the times I thought I would crash to pieces. You make me laugh, you make me cry (always happy tears), you make me think, too.

I love that you aren't afraid to be real with me. You don't have to play Superman with me and I love that about you. You admit fault, sadness, anger. It takes a special kind of person to do that. You don't have any problems with my emotions, either, however crazy or unfounded they may be. Every tear means something with you. You never belittle me or stuff my emotions in a box. I always feel bad for crying or whatever because I know it's a waste of your time, but you never make me feel like that. Instead you make sure I know that I am always important to you.

Having you be away this summer has been really hard. I know that you know and I don't want to beat a dead horse, but it really has been. I am so glad you've been able to come home on the weekends, though. That made it livable. I can't wait for you to be home though. I hate this feeling that I'm taking you from your mama time when you visit, but it's always there. Only 9 more days.

All my love,

Day 1: Letter To Your Best Friend

Remember when I hated you, but now you're my best friend? Me too. We were so catty. I remember that Seven Brides rehearsal where I was trying to do something and you kept trying to change it and I almost hit you. Sorry for that. I didn't know you were so neat back then. I just thought you wanted to encroach on my turf and take all my friends and stuff.

I don't remember when I started to like you, but the first time I noticed was when you came to my house after that fight with my mom. You hugged me and pulled me by my hand into my room. You told me "Hey, it's ok to cry. It's always ok to cry" and then you held me as I cried, just like I have always thought a friend should do. No one friend has ever done that for me. That was my turning point with you.

I hope you know you are beautiful. You are good at everything and you are one of the brightest people I know, intellectually and personality-wise. You are usually encouraging, even when people are so down on themselves it's pitiful, like my mental inability to dance. You always teach me baby dance moves that don't make me cry. You take me shopping and make me feel pretty even if I feel like the fattest person on earth. You have a talent for making people happy.

I am sorry you are sometimes unhappy, though. A lot of people don't treat you like you should be treated. I always try to, but I'm sure I fail as well. You are a very emotional person and a small thing can set of a big reaction from you. I never mind, though, because I am the same way. I do like that we can cry with each other and not be awkward. I don't feel nervous when I have to cry in front of you. It just happens and even if you stare at me because I'm telling a story as I cry, I still feel like it's just another conversation.

You have helped me through some of the toughest times in my life and I owe you a lot. You, Bryan and Jill are the main reason I am a happy camper today. I remember just coming to school, my favorite place, and as soon as I got there you'd take one look at me and lead me over where no one could see me so I could cry my eyes out about the thing that was hurting me. You never looked annoyed, you never said "Oh, sorry, I'm having a bad day today and I don't want to help you". You looked at me, took my hand, and walked. Then you held me and told me it was ok to cry and it was ok to be sad sometimes. I never felt like it was until you said that.

I am glad we still talk. I'm glad we didn't phase out when I graduated, but I'm scared to death that you'll leave and we won't talk ever again. Just the thought of that is making me cry right now. I don't want you to leave. You're my best friend in the entire world and I need you here with me, as selfish as that is. If you leave, I'll be ok and I'll be happy for you if you're where you need to be, but I'll still miss you. I miss you right now and it's only been like 1 day since I saw you.

Part of me is a little sad I'm not writing this to Megan, but it's a tiny part because you were there when she abandoned me and you have been there when she hasn't been. You are a faithful friend, a true friend, a friend who goes the distance. When I say I love you, I really, really do. I honestly hope we stay friends forever. I will work to make sure it happens.

Stick around to be my bridesmaid. :) You'll look pretty in the dress, I promise.